I shouted over the phone...
Vented my unhappiness that had been inside me for very long...
and somehow..
i guess i regretted it.
I should have just keep quiet till putting down the phone...
and vent on anything but not humans after putting down the phone...

I guess dinner is gone tonight.
I'm still waiting for mel to reply...

In my head, i'm wondering.
Why God created me in this family ? Why why why ??? Can anyone give me the answer ?
I really don't know why. I don't know why must i take all the stupid kind of nonsense at home. I don't know why must i take in all the pressure that come from the family. Am i borned into the family to do household chores everyday without people helping me ? Am i borned into the family to bear all the mistakes that everyone in the family do ? Am i borned into this family to get scolded for everything I do even if the things I do is correct?

I have so many questions in my life. I really don't know why. God knows that answers to all my questions right, but how come he does not tell me ? I'm really a failure in everything. Why must you Lord created me ? Why Why WHY !! I really cant take it anymore.

My mum always wanted me to study and get good results so she can lessen the burden abt me on her shoulders. I wanted to get good results too, and nowadays i'm tying to force myself to sit down and study and do my work. Why cant my mum understand that !!!! WHYYYYYY !!!! I don't like it when she always says I never study. I will flare up when i heard that. I really did study !!! My mum keep giving excuses that my eyes look at the book and my brain is thinking about something else like where to play afterwards and stuff.

After what she had said on the phone, i don't have the motivation to do my work anymore, not even studying. I just want to get a good cry and a good sleep. How i wish i can don't wake up and face everyone and everything. I'm scared of facing the outside world. I'm lacking of faith and i'm really really been broken. Lord, may i pray that you will mend me back, piece by piece. As time heals everything. =(((((

I have no mood to do anything but i need to force myself to. I have no choice, really no choice. I must go out lesser and study more. Sundays confirm out as i now has made my heart and decided to attend church service every sunday even my mum opposes it. I must let her see the change in me, from bad to good. I must let her realise that I am a good girl whom she can trust in. I know my mum doesnt trust me. Even if i am good and do something to gain her trust, she doesn't trust me. I know that. I know my mum's pattern, even if deny it, i know. Sometimes i know my mum cant be trusted in some matters. Ohwells.

I felt much better after typing in here. Sorry guys. If you all does not read it, i'm alright with it as this post is just to let me vent my unhappiness today. I'm still a bit emotional now. I hope it doesn't get worst tomorrow during studying with teeli they all.

iris(:
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DECEMBER
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